Well hello there cyberspace. It's been a long time since I last posted, truly I'm quite awful at keeping up a blog. But who knows, maybe this time it'll catch. So here's the deal interweb friends, I'm going to be pretty darn honest in this blog. Maybe it's better if the world didn't know some of these things, but if my story can help someone else and make their lives better, then I guess it is worth it.
There are a few solid truths in my life right now:
1. I am fat.
2. I am a 26 year old virgin.
3. I love cats. I foster them and love having the little fluffies running around.
4. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life and I'm broke.
5. I have honestly, truly, NEVER been happier!
Now hear me out on this. Given these facts it would seem like I have a fair amount of things going against me. But I'm making many positive steps in my life and I'm moving in the right direction. I've learned and really began to put into practice a few mind shattering concepts recently, and would love to share them:
1. You really do only get once chance at this life, so enjoy the hell out of it. There are no free refills in the restaurant of life my friends, so you better enjoy every sip of that Diet Coke. Experience as much as you reasonably can. Absolutely follow through with your responsibilities and plan for the future, but don't forget to enjoy life while you're at it. I want to have experiences and really live life the whole way through even while I am working or in school. There's no reason for me to put off life, I don't want to have any regrets.
2. Life really is short. Everyone says it, but I certainly have never really let it sink in before. My mom told me a while back that she still sometimes feels like she's in her twenties or thirties, even though she's over 60 now. When I think about it, I often still feel like I'm a freshman in college, even though 18-year-old Katie is drastically different than 26-year-old Katie. Time often feels like it is dragging on when I'm in the moment, but then I step back and realize how much has passed in what seems like an instant. If it's all going to be gone so quickly anyways I'd rather spend most of those moments happy, wouldn't you?
3. I want every part of my life be the best part of my life. I loved high school when I was there (most of the time). I loved college when I was there. I loved my masters when I was there, and right now, I absolutely love where I am at the moment. In that same earlier conversation, my mom told me that she liked every part of her life while she was there (except high school, that was pretty bad I hear). 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and now 60s are all trying but still wonderful. She also said she would never want to go back. I think this is amazing. I really want to not spend too much time mourning times gone by or worrying about the future. Everything that has happened me has made me into the person I am now and will be in the future, and I like this person, so it was all worth it. Likewise, everything I am experiencing now is turning me into the person I will be, so it can't be pointless. I want every year I have to be the best year of my life up until that point!
4. Put all of the light into the world that you can. Life is hard. The world is full of pain and turmoil and evil. But that does not mean I need to contribute to it. So I can't totally fix the world! I can do whatever I am able to to make the world just a little bit better. I lived a good chunk of my life in negativity. I loved to gossip and "vent" about people to my closest friends, as did they to me. Even looking back I still enjoyed a lot of those times, and I know you people on the interwebz know what I'm talking about. It was a bonding thing, and still if I knew someone hurt a friend I automatically hate them. I'm just realizing that all that negativity really does hurt me more than anyone else. I don't want to put those negative thoughts out into the universe, I want to create joy an happiness. Isn't that ultimately a much more satisfying way to live? I still catch myself often thinking a negative thought or taking part in a negative conversation, but I'm much better now at calling myself on it and changing the conversation.
5. Other's opinions of you can't hurt you unless you let them. Obviously easier said than done, but really try it sometime! Decide that you just don't care if you're having a bad hair day, or if you said something stupid, or if someone thinks you're annoying. Honestly, do you ever really notice or hold it against someone if they do something a little odd or didn't get a chance to put on makeup that morning? So why assume others are noticing? And for that matter, I want to stop judging people so much. If I want compassion for myself I must give it to others.
6. You do you, girl! So what if what you enjoy is different than the norm? Who the hell cares? As long as it makes the world a brighter place or at least doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else mentally or physically then go for it. So you like to watch Pokeman on Netflix? Good for you! You like to listen to showtunes? Awesome, me too! You love bubble baths so much that you will ask to take them at other people's houses since you don't have your own tub? Well, if that will make you happy then go ahead and use mine! (No, this is not me, but I do have a friend that takes baths in my tub at least once a month). I still get very self-conscious about the cats in my apartment. I know there is a stigma attached to being a woman with cats, let alone a 26-year-old fat practical spinster. Even though I have been reassured repeatedly by some very honest people that it very rarely smells in my place, I'm beyond paranoid about the smell when people come over. I actually wouldn't ever invite people over for a while because I was so afraid of being judged. But I realized, I'm actually doing a good thing here. I am volunteering my time, space, and sometimes money to help creatures in need. If someone wants to judge me for that then I think that is just a poor reflection on them. And beyond that, I just enjoy having them around. I can see the positive impact I'm having on their lives and that's very rewarding. I love kitty cuddles and discovering their personalities. If someone has a problem with that then I guess that's just too bad.
7. Last one, I promise! Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything has always been so black and white for me. If I'm not succeeding, I'm failing. I think this is why I often used to binge eat. If I didn't stay just within my calories for the day, then it was a loss anyways so I just as well eat all I could before I "started over" the next day. Or if I didn't stick to a work out schedule then I just as well quit. But there is middle ground! As long as I am making steps in the right direction then it's okay if I miss a work out day or eat half a bag of chips in one sitting (Damn you Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream!). It probably isn't the best choice, but I can't expect myself to change a lifetime of habits overnight. I'm already starting to see working out with the trainer making a difference in my strength and endurance, even if not in my appearance yet, and that makes me want to keep going. It felt awesome to hold a full plank today for 30 seconds 3 times in a row without giving up, even though it hurt like hell in the moment. I can't wait to see that time increase, especially as there's less and less weight to hold up. This is a very long way to say that it does no good for me to beat myself up. In fact, it usually makes me repeat the behavior for some sick reason. So I will try to just be proud of the steps I do make. Working out twice a week is 2 more times than I used to, and that is certainly not a bad thing!
So there you have it, my mantra for now. I hope that did not sound too preachy. I am far from achieving any of these things, but I'm trying! If you stuck with me to the end and enjoyed reading please let me know, I will be much more likely to write more often! I'd love to know if you have anything to add to this list!
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