Sharing my current zen :)

Well hello there cyberspace. It's been a long time since I last posted, truly I'm quite awful at keeping up a blog. But who knows, maybe this time it'll catch. So here's the deal interweb friends, I'm going to be pretty darn honest in this blog. Maybe it's better if the world didn't know some of these things, but if my story can help someone else and make their lives better, then I guess it is worth it.

There are a few solid truths in my life right now:
1. I am fat.
2. I am a 26 year old virgin.
3. I love cats. I foster them and love having the little fluffies running around.
4. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life and I'm broke.
5. I have honestly, truly, NEVER been happier!

Now hear me out on this. Given these facts it would seem like I have a fair amount of things going against me. But I'm making many positive steps in my life and I'm moving in the right direction. I've learned and really began to put into practice a few mind shattering concepts recently, and would love to share them:

1. You really do only get once chance at this life, so enjoy the hell out of it. There are no free refills in the restaurant of life my friends, so you better enjoy every sip of that Diet Coke. Experience as much as you reasonably can. Absolutely follow through with your responsibilities and plan for the future, but don't forget to enjoy life while you're at it. I want to have experiences and really live life the whole way through even while I am working or in school. There's no reason for me to put off life, I don't want to have any regrets.

2. Life really is short. Everyone says it, but I certainly have never really let it sink in before. My mom told me a while back that she still sometimes feels like she's in her twenties or thirties, even though she's over 60 now. When I think about it, I often still feel like I'm a freshman in college, even though 18-year-old Katie is drastically different than 26-year-old Katie. Time often feels like it is dragging on when I'm in the moment, but then I step back and realize how much has passed in what seems like an instant. If it's all going to be gone so quickly anyways I'd rather spend most of those moments happy, wouldn't you?

3. I want every part of my life be the best part of my life. I loved high school when I was there (most of the time). I loved college when I was there. I loved my masters when I was there, and right now, I absolutely love where I am at the moment. In that same earlier conversation, my mom told me that she liked every part of her life while she was there (except high school, that was pretty bad I hear). 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and now 60s are all trying but still wonderful. She also said she would never want to go back. I think this is amazing. I really want to not spend too much time mourning times gone by or worrying about the future. Everything that has happened me has made me into the person I am now and will be in the future, and I like this person, so it was all worth it. Likewise, everything I am experiencing now is turning me into the person I will be, so it can't be pointless. I want every year I have to be the best year of my life up until that point!

4.  Put all of the light into the world that you can. Life is hard. The world is full of pain and turmoil and evil. But that does not mean I need to contribute to it. So I can't totally fix the world! I can do whatever I am able to to make the world just a little bit better. I lived a good chunk of my life in negativity. I loved to gossip and "vent" about people to my closest friends, as did they to me. Even looking back I still enjoyed a lot of those times, and I know you people on the interwebz know what I'm talking about. It was a bonding thing, and still if I knew someone hurt a friend I automatically hate them. I'm just realizing that all that negativity really does hurt me more than anyone else. I don't want to put those negative thoughts out into the universe, I want to create joy an happiness. Isn't that ultimately a much more satisfying way to live? I still catch myself often thinking a negative thought or taking part in a negative conversation, but I'm much better now at calling myself on it and changing the conversation.

5. Other's opinions of you can't hurt you unless you let them. Obviously easier said than done, but really try it sometime! Decide that you just don't care if you're having a bad hair day, or if you said something stupid, or if someone thinks you're annoying. Honestly, do you ever really notice or hold it against someone if they do something a little odd or didn't get a chance to put on makeup that morning? So why assume others are noticing? And for that matter, I want to stop judging people so much. If I want compassion for myself I must give it to others.

6. You do you, girl! So what if what you enjoy is different than the norm? Who the hell cares? As long as it makes the world a brighter place or at least doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else mentally or physically then go for it. So you like to watch Pokeman on Netflix? Good for you! You like to listen to showtunes? Awesome, me too! You love bubble baths so much that you will ask to take them at other people's houses since you don't have your own tub? Well, if that will make you happy then go ahead and use mine! (No, this is not me, but I do have a friend that takes baths in my tub at least once a month). I still get very self-conscious about the cats in my apartment. I know there is a stigma attached to being a woman with cats, let alone a 26-year-old fat practical spinster. Even though I have been reassured repeatedly by some very honest people that it very rarely smells in my place, I'm beyond paranoid about the smell when people come over. I actually wouldn't ever invite people over for a while because I was so afraid of being judged. But I realized, I'm actually doing a good thing here. I am volunteering my time, space, and sometimes money to help creatures in need. If someone wants to judge me for that then I think that is just a poor reflection on them. And beyond that, I just enjoy having them around. I can see the positive impact I'm having on their lives and that's very rewarding. I love kitty cuddles and discovering their personalities. If someone has a problem with that then I guess that's just too bad.

7. Last one, I promise! Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything has always been so black and white for me. If I'm not succeeding, I'm failing. I think this is why I often used to binge eat. If I didn't stay just within my calories for the day, then it was a loss anyways so I just as well eat all I could before I "started over" the next day. Or if I didn't stick to a work out schedule then I just as well quit. But there is middle ground! As long as I am making steps in the right direction then it's okay if I miss a work out day or eat half a bag of chips in one sitting (Damn you Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream!). It probably isn't the best choice, but I can't expect myself to change a lifetime of habits overnight. I'm already starting to see working out with the trainer making a difference in my strength and endurance, even if not in my appearance yet, and that makes me want to keep going. It felt awesome to hold a full plank today for 30 seconds 3 times in a row without giving up, even though it hurt like hell in the moment. I can't wait to see that time increase, especially as there's less and less weight to hold up. This is a very long way to say that it does no good for me to beat myself up. In fact, it usually makes me repeat the behavior for some sick reason. So I will try to just be proud of the steps I do make. Working out twice a week is 2 more times than I used to, and that is certainly not a bad thing!

So there you have it, my mantra for now. I hope that did not sound too preachy. I am far from achieving any of these things, but I'm trying! If you stuck with me to the end and enjoyed reading please let me know, I will be much more likely to write more often! I'd love to know if you have anything to add to this list!

Meet the Kitties!

Well it has been one hell of a week in the world, so I think this is the perfect time to get in some fuzzy cuteness by introducing my kitties. First up we have Dana:

Dana is a 5 year old DSH polydactyl brown tabby. She first came to me in October of 2010 as a foster from Mid-Michigan Cat Rescue. She was my second foster and my first foster fail. As you can probably figure out, a foster fail is an animal that the foster parent just can't give up and ends up keeping. While many fosters tend to fall in love with the cutest, sweetest kitties that come through their homes, I fall in love with the broken ones. Dana had just finished nursing her litter of kittens when she came to me, and she was very shy and nervous. She didn't want to have too much to do with me at first, but when I pet her she would flop over on her side and let me rub her belly (probably a reflex from nursing). This is probably my favorite thing that a cat can do, so that was the first hook she put in me! With some time, love, and lots of treats, Dana decided I was pretty okay and has been my best buddy ever since. She always has to be by or on top of me while I'm sleeping and still loves to have her belly rubbed, although sometimes she likes to trick me into thinking that's what she wants and then bites me. It's at times like this that I like to remind her that she is damn lucky to have me as a mom, because if she did that in the shelter she would get euthanized. Are you starting to get a sense of my twisted sense of humor yet? Dana has moved with me from Michigan to Minnesota to Texas, and puts up with long cross-country drives that make her puke so that I can visit my parents with her. She definitely keeps me sane and I love her to pieces!

My second kitty is Charlie:

Charlie with my foster, Lucia

Charlie's name is actually Charlene, but I really don't like that name so while I was fostering her I called her Charlie and it stuck. Charlie was my third foster and my first with my rescue group in Texas. She came to our group from a local animal shelter where she was being used as a nursing mom after her litter of kittens died. I believe she was only around 9 months old at that point, so she definitely got pregnant on her first heat. By all reports she was an awesome mom. She saved around 15 kittens, and they said whenever they brought her a new one she would reach out as soon as she heard it cry. However, since she was pretty much feral and not friendly with humans, she was scheduled to be put down when her milk dried up. Yes, I cried when I saw this note on her medical records. Thankfully one of our volunteers saw her and begged the shelter to give her to us once they were done using her as a nursing mom. The first week I saw her at an adoption event she was curled up into the tiniest little ball and absolutely terrified. They tried to convince me to take her home to foster but I said I couldn't have more than one cat in my apartment (famous last words). I thought about that poor little terrified kitty all week and decided I could take her in and help her get socialized. It took an awful lot of work with her and after months of hisses and running away she slowly got comfortable with me. Every time she comes home to MN with me she seems to get sweeter. Over the last year and a half she has become incredibly sweet and cuddly, it's just so wonderful to see her learn to trust and love. She is also the softest kitty I have ever met in my life and she lets me rub her belly, so she's a keeper!

So these are my forever babies. Only 2 for now, and I'm pretty firm on that, but I'm sure at some point when I'm more settled that might increase. Now I think I shall go cuddle them before bed!

Introducing...me!

Well, I suppose if I want the people of the internet to spend their precious minutes reading this blog, I had better begin by telling you who I am. My name is Katie, I'm 25, and I like long conversations, good meals, and back rubs. Oops...wrong site, pretend you didn't see that. So here it is, this is me:

Me in Florence, Italy, 2010

Awww, aren't I just too cute? And look at the fascinating foreign locale, I must be so interesting! Well, sadly for me this picture is almost 3 years old, and I'm currently stuck in the beautiful landscape of Denton, Texas. For those of you who have never experienced northern Texas, it is absolutely gorgeous...for about two weeks in late February. I guess I can't complain too much, because after my 18 years in Minnesota and 6 years in Michigan, the Texas winter is pretty nice (but I do miss snow!). 

So what am I doing in Texas you ask? Oh, you didn't ask? Must have been one of the cats... Well, I am in the second year of my doctorate degree in vocal performance at the University of North Texas. That is the fancy way to say I didn't entirely know what to do with my life when I finished my master's degree and I didn't want to start paying student loans back, so I decided more school was the answer. I study singing, and I also teach undergrad students. I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up, but I'd like to try to do some performing in opera, and find a steady teaching job, hopefully with good health insurance!

You likely all associate the fat lady with horns and an iron bra with opera, and while that costume truly does exist, the fat lady is soooooo last century! Opera, too, has fallen prey to the cultural ideal of skinny. Let's face it, when given the choice between a size 26 with a great voice, and a size 6 with a pretty good voice, the size 6 is going to win almost every time. This leads me to my on and off relationship with dieting. I've been on some sort of diet or feeling guilty that I'm not on some sort of diet since I was 10. I finally found a good fit with Weight Watchers but I just don't know a good thing when I see it so I keep wandering away. Maybe this blogging business is just a plea to the internet gods to help keep me on track.

The other important thing to know about me is that I like cats. Like, a lot. So much so that at the ripe old age of 25 I am a certifiable cat lady. But I promise I don't hoard cats, I foster them! I love my work with a local cat rescue group and I usually have anywhere from 1-3 foster cats and/or kittens in my house. As crazy as it might make me sound, working with the rescue group really keeps me sane. It's so wonderful to step outside myself once a week at adoption events and do something that makes a tangible difference in lives of the kitties and the people who adopt them. 

So that is me in a rather large nutshell. Hopefully I haven't bored you too much. Although if you're still reading at this point I guess that's a good sign! Now get off the internet and be with real people! Go! Well, I suppose you can watch a few cat videos first...